


if you're wondering if i want you to (i want you too)

by kishere



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M, Racing thoughts, anxiety attack, slight intenalized homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-17
Updated: 2019-05-17
Packaged: 2020-03-06 22:11:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18860131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kishere/pseuds/kishere
Summary: Prompt: High school spring dance au where phil is too nervous to ask dan





	if you're wondering if i want you to (i want you too)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [flymetomanchester](https://archiveofourown.org/users/flymetomanchester/gifts).



> i would like too thank:
> 
> rwdaf for the absolutely adorable prompt; i lost my shit when i first saw it and felt inspired
> 
> and danhowellz for betaing. i owe them a small fortune. or a first born. or unlimited praise.

Phil was finally going to get to leave sixth form at the end of June and go to York to study English of all things. English wasn’t his first love; it just made the most sense as a degree with what Phil had planned to do in communications. However, he had taken all those lessons and he still couldn’t write a simple message asking a boy to the end of the year formal so he was wondering how well he was going to do in university.

The problem wasn’t that Phil didn’t have the words; he had asked both boys and girls out before. It was the fact that Dan wasn’t just any boy; Dan was funny, smart, talented, and so damn pretty. Whenever Phil looked at him he felt his stomach flip and butterflies explode andave every bad cliche, even  when Dan laughed at one of his jokes or when their fingers would occasionally graze or whenever they would wrestle over who got the last chip from the basket that they had decided to split after school. It was the fact that Phil had never felt this way about anyone in the past. He never had felt the easy camaraderie and secret sharing and what felt like the ability to read each other’s mind before. It was almost like fate that had brought Dan into his life and his gran was always telling him to trust his gut more.

Fate (or at least his dad’s new job) had Dan moved to Rawtenstall at the end of last year and Phil had been assigned to show him around the campus since he was unsure of how to tell strangely insistent teachers no. They had clicked immediately when Phil was able to see the outline of a Muse tee-shirt underneath his button up and had asked about it getting a beaming, crinkled eye smile and laugh in return. Phil was immediately hooked and awkwardly asked if Dan wanted Phil to show him around town later after classes let out; the rest had been history. They texted constantly, hung out at every opportunity in between Phil studying for exams, shared music, shared dreams. They would even Skype across town when they couldn’t meet in person and study quietly together, the occasional static and dropped call across the light blue screen still feeling like the other was present even if Phil wished Dan was so much closer.

But Phil couldn’t ask the other boy to formal because he didn’t know how even with all of his homework and studying and _words_.

Phil continued to nervously pace around his room, unable to help the way his feet continued to move over the slightly garish green carpet. His phone was in his hand and every minute or so he would lift it up, reading over the message he had typed before deleting it and starting it over again. He didn’t think it would be this hard; he was taking so many English courses right now he was sure his brain was about to explode with the twenty million ways he could use a comma.

 _Hey Dan_ \- No, too formal.

 _hey dan_ \- No, too informal.

_hey, do you have time to meet up tomorrow?_

Phil paused and cocked his head to the side and considered the last text. That one seemed the most relaxed out of all of them and made it seem like a more casual hangout. It was already putting Phil a bit more at ease, knowing that hanging out with Dan was as easy as breathing, as easy as loving Dan was.

_Ding!_

Phil spoke too soon. He couldn’t look. Dan was somehow going to know the meaning behind his message and reject him and-

_sure! want to do mario kart and dominos?_

-and there was a God. Phil was sure of it in this moment because this was perfect. This was something Dan and he had done countless times before and Phil figured that he didn’t have to make a big flashy display like Tyler had done when he asked out Troye. Phil could just be relaxed and not feel the pressure of everyone watching.

_that sounds good!! : )) ready to lose howell_

_in your dreams lester_

Phil resisted the urge to write back that his dreams and Dan’s were much different if Dan’s were to win at Mario Kart, mainly that Dan’s dreams would happen in the real world anyway. Phil’s dreams involved twisting his fingers together with Dan’s, knowing they would fit just right and being able to finally breathe without the pressure of not knowing hanging over him.

However, the next day came and went and Phil couldn’t ask him to the formal; his throat closed up because Dan had tipped his head back to laugh and the line of his throat had distracted Phil for a solid five minutes. What if Dan looked that beautiful turning him down? Phil had gotten so wrapped up in his own thoughts that the timing had passed. Phil wasn’t disappointed because they had spent the night yelling at each other over whether or not Dan had cheated at Mario Kart and there was nowhere Phil would rather be in that moment.

Phil didn’t ask Dan the day after that because Dan was buried under work and kept looking at Phil like Phil might have the answers. He didn’t, but helping Dan study for an important test was more important than asking Dan if he wanted to go to formal. Dan kept getting tired and whinier as the night went on so Phil bought him some chips and 12 dips (which was overkill really, but Dan liked to have dips options and he was the one studying).

Day three wasn’t anymore of a success and day four Phil didn’t see Dan because his family took a day trip back to Reading in order to visit Dan’s nan. They texted constantly and Dan kept sending updates about how many times he wanted to fight Adrian or how many snide comments his dad made about his hairstyle, life choices, whatever. Phil wanted to see Dan and give him a hug, not letting go until Dan felt like he was able to be okay and then keep hugging him because Phil wanted to make sure Dan wasn’t lying about being okay. Phil wasn’t an expert on dating or friendships or even being queer, but he knew the amount of ways that they touched was a little too much for most “normal” friendships.  Just friendships. He needed to just be brave and ask Dan to the formal right now, over text while Dan wasn’t in the same city. However, days five and six passed without Phil asking either, due to the feeling of a rock sitting on his chest every time he opened his mouth to ask.

Day six, a Wednesday, was the worst. That night in bed, Skyping with Dan and trying to gather up the courage to ask him, had the same feeling as when his mom would ask him to call the hairdresser and make an appointment to cut his “nest”. He literally couldn’t open his mouth, his palms kept getting sweaty, and he felt like he was going to faint. But formal was in a month and Tyler kept pestering him, wanting to know if Phil and his date wanted to split a limo. He still had to buy tickets (shit, did he buy Dan’s too? Maybe he could do some extra chores around the house?) so Phil definitely had to ask Dan tomorrow since ticket sales ended on Friday.

So that’s why Phil was currently sitting on Dan’s carpet, unable to stop fidgeting. Every few seconds Phil would hear his fingers tapping or a leg jiggling unconsciously. He was leaving large gaps in the usual banter they had, leaving Phil to respond late, speaking so fast he was almost better off just muttering. Dan kept shooting him pitying looks every few minutes, which lead to Phil to eventually just stop looking in Dan’s direction and concentrate a little too intensely on Mario Kart. He didn’t need to psych himself out any worse than he already was since he was already trying to think of exit plans for if it all went wrong. And while normally Phil loved the big window in Dan’s otherwise brown, cave-like room, he cursed the fact it was on the second floor.

Dan wasn’t being super chatty either, which made Phil almost feel marginally better. But at the same time he felt like he needed to man up and just ask Dan because he was 18 years old now. He was a man; he had a cordless hammer drill. How hard could it be to just ask Dan if he wanted to go to the formal, watch other people dance, and then get a bit tipsy at an after party. It shouldn’t be that hard. But Phil was terrified that he had been reading all the signs from Dan wrong. Sure, they texted a lot over stupid stuff (like no Dan microwave is not an onomatopoeia), Skyped constantly if they couldn’t be with each other just across town, and they touched.

They touched each other lot, now that Phil was thinking about it, whether it was wrestling or stealing food directly from the other or just leaning against each other, listening to whatever artist Dan was obsessed with for the day. Phil’s favorite days were actually when they would sit against his bed, leaning against each other, watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer as he gave overly enthusiastic commentary. They never held hands, but Phil knew that Dan smelled of warm and a bit too strongly of the body spray he had used that morning. So with that in mind, how Dan hadn’t pushed away any of the hesitant physical affection they had shared in the past, he reached out and put a palm on Dan’s lower leg.

“Dan….Dan are you okay,” Phil asked, looking up to where Dan was sprawled across his own bed. Dan jumped at the contact, but didn’t yank his leg away from Phil’s palm either.

“Yeah. Sorry. I was just thinking. The ol’ existential crisis just...happening, haha,” Dan said with a forced sounding laugh, looking down into Phil’s eyes. They were so brown and Phil hadn’t moved his hand and he could feel the heat of Dan’s shin directly on his skin and- FOCUS.

“Oh...are you sure you’re okay Dan,” Phil asked, confusion in his voice. “You just seem...distracted.”

Dan snorted and leaned forward, flicking Phil in the forehead. “Sure Phil, I’ve been distracted by you… you leg jiggler.”

“Your mom is a leg jiggler,” Phil shot back automatically, making Dan kick gently at Phil’s shoulder until he fell back against the carpet of Dan’s floor with a laugh. Phil grinned up at Dan, kicking his legs weakly in the direction of the younger boy, until Dan grinned back at him. Phil felt nervous when their eyes met, his fingers already going to tap muffled against the floor. Dan gave a huff and a weak kick at Phil’s exposed knee from under the jean shorts he was wearing.

“I feel like you’re not okay. Is there something you want to get off your chest,” Dan finally asked, his face going concerned and soft. His eyes were so wide and he looked at Phil with pity and oh no.

Phil couldn’t do this, he thought mumbling nonsense out loud before dropping his face into his hands.

Phil literally couldn’t ask Dan to the dance; Dan just saw him as a friend and a mentor maybe. Nobody kicked at people they thought were fit.  Not only that but it felt like the rock had returned, sitting on his chest, preventing him from talking or doing anything other than trying to make himself as small as he possibly could. He misread everything and now he was making a fool of himself in front of Dan but he couldn’t stop from letting out a frustrated noise.

However, Dan wasn’t laughing as Phil tried to suffocate himself under his hand and his slightly too long fringe. When Phil peeked through his fingers a minute later, Dan just looked concerned. Phil watched in what felt like slow motion as Dan climbed off his bed, kneeling in front of Phil and gently detangling his fingers from his fringe. Phil didn’t realize how hard he had been gripping his hair until that moment and loosened it a bit, making Dan’s fingers able to hold his fingers easier.

“Phil, talk to me. Has something happened? Have I done something to upset you? Whatever it is, it’s okay; you can talk to me,” Dan said when he finally and gently moved Phil’s hands away from his face. His tone was gentle but the parts of Dan’s face he could see were a mix of confusion and distress, which Phil couldn’t blame him for. He would probably be the same way if Dan seemed to freak out out of nowhere after asking him to go to formal.

But holding Dan’s slightly shaking hands made Phil feel at peace and _happy_ even if he felt guilty about the circumstances that brought this moment to life. Because Dan, sweet, wonderful Dan, was holding his hands and no making fun of him like some of his other mates had when Phil had panic attacks in the past. Phil linked his fingers into Dan’s, letting out a shuddering breath because oh. Dan had the warmest hands; he had known this even before this moment that but it was different to experience it with hand holding than with the occasional rough housing.This was everything he had been dreaming about lately and it felt better than any dream, the way their hands slotted together. Phil already felt himself relaxing like this was something they had done hundreds of times; maybe they had, reincarnation and whatnot. Dan had talked about Hinduism nonstop for a week when he had found out his family might be taking a vacation to India and he had read up on the country on a Wikipedia spiral about two months ago. All Phil knew for certain is that the rock that had felt like it was sitting on his chest had moved enough that he was finally able to breathe.

“Dan, you haven’t done anything wrong. If anyone needs to apologize, it’s me. I’m...I’m the one acting really bizarre,” Phil apologized as he gave a squeeze to Dan’s hands. His mind wasn’t slowing down; if anything it seemed to be going faster and his words came tumbling out faster like the rock repositioned itself on his chest, forcing the words to come out instead of air.

“I know this isn’t perfect at all. Like I wanted to get roses and that Tonberry plush you saw and I was going to ask in a good way. I-it was supposed to be so much better than this.” Phil promised with a high pitched laugh, that made him close his eyes as he cringed away from how fast his words were tumbling out of his mouth. What even was that laugh? This was just going downhill fast. He needed to apologize but his brain decided to go off on one more small rant before it let him shut his mouth.

Because right now he was ruining the best friendship he had ever had. Sure he had friends before Dan; he still had plenty of childhood friends who weren’t Dan. But Dan was the one he stayed up with most nights, sharing his dreams and fears and crazy ideas with. But after today, Dan was going to hate him or, at the bare minimum, think he had been a creep. Dan was going to look back at every time Phil and him had touched and think that Phil had been trying to take advantage. Every memory they had created was going to become tainted in Dan’s mind.

“And I know you don’t. I mean, I shouldn’t have assumed that you would say yes just because...you know...you’re kind of into guys. Just because you kind of like guys doesn’t mean you would necessarily like me like that,” Phil continued, his hands shaking because this was it. Dan’s rejection was imminent. Phil kept talking so he was able to prolong this conflicted feeling of happiness and dread for a while longer, his fingers squeezing Dan’s for what was probably the last time.

“I know being bisexual doesn’t mean you’re attracted to me but I just read my signals...wrong...like really wrong. So I hope we can move past this and continue to be friends-,” Phil implored, giving a squeeze to Dan hands before starting the painful process of letting go of their interlocked fingers.

However, Dan interrupted him before his brain could go any further. His fingers locked on to Phil’s and he wouldn’t let Phil move. Not that Phil was complaining; honestly Dan’s hands on his felt like the only thing tethering him to this earth.

“Say yes? Phil...I’m going to be honest mate, I’m really lost here. What am I saying yes to,” Dan asked, tilting his head to the side and looking really confused, eyebrows high and his accent coming out extra posh like it did when he was trying to seem less confused. He wasn’t letting go of Phil’s hands either, making it so Phil was unable to make himself small. Because god, does Dan consider him such a good friend that he not even heard Phil ask him to the formal? There weren’t any distractions that made it so Dan couldn’t have heard him-.

Wait.

Phil blinked a bit before that slightly panicked feeling come back to his whole body. He thought back on the past agonizing five minutes, his body starting to run cold and hot as dread and awkwardness battled in his body. Had he botched up asking Dan to the dance that bad that he _hadn’t even asked_ ? In his own panic attack, had he managed to convince himself that he had asked Dan to the formal? _Who does that_? How did he always end up in situations like this? Situations where he hallucinates an event and then have a cute boy stare at him like he had lost his mind. Great, this was great.

“I….,” Phil started before instinctively going to cover his face with his hands again, tugging at Dan’s hands who hadn’t let go.

“You what Phil,” Dan asked gently as he scooted closer, an awkward shuffle on his knees and gave a comforting, encouraging squeeze to his hands.

God, Phil couldn’t handle how _kind_ Dan was being about the situation right now.

“I wanted to ask…,” Phil swallowed the rest of his words, transfixed by the beautiful brown eyes and the tan skin in front of him. Dan gave his hands another encouraging squeeze and Phil let the sentence stumble out of his mouth, the words mushed together like peanut butter and banana sandwich. “Willyougotoformalwithme?”

His voice cracked on the “me” of the sentence, but he got it out. He got the sentence out. It had taken him nearly two months from when he first thought he wanted to ask Dan to the formal but he had asked Dan if he wanted to got to the formal with him. It was too quiet though, which made Phil’s brain kick into overdrive.

“Like as a date, with me-,” Phil started to say. Started to, because Dan had moved in even closer and kissed him clumsily. Clumsy with way too much teeth because Phil’s mouth was open and Dan was laughing and trying to nod at the same time and mainly the kiss turned into them just laughing into each other’s mouth until Dan pulled away.

Dan was actually tearing up at the corners of his eyes but he was still nodding, letting go of one of Phil’s hands to feel his own lips.

“Y-yeah I want to go with y-you...you spork,” Dan said, wiping at the corners of his eyes after assessing that he had not split his lip, beaming the same smile that had made Phil start to fall more than a year ago. He’s pretty sure he fell for Dan a little more in this moment.

“Really,” Phil breathed out, giving a squeeze to the hand he was still holding needing to feel tethered to this moment and feel reassured it wasn’t a dream.

“Really, really,” Dan said, giving a squeeze back. “I’d...I’d probably want to do anything you asked me to. Except murder...well...maybe still murder. It’s situational. But the point is that yeah, I really want to go to the formal with you.”

“Anything,” Phil asked wistfully, his eyes landing on the remote as he began to daydream. Dan and him getting together at formal. Dan and him dealing with a long distance relationship as Phil left to go to York. Dan and him growing older and having an apartment littered with Muse posters and curled up together on a couch watching Buffy. Maybe having a job where they could work together. Thinking of this future didn’t make Phil’s chest feel tight; if anything he felt hopeful about the future because he is the guy that managed to ask Dan Howell, the world’s most beautiful boy inside and out, to formal.

“I’m not losing at Mario Kart to make you feel better,” came Dan’s drawl, the statement and tone softened by the way that he gave Phil’s hand a final squeeze before untangling their fingertips.

Phil didn’t bother to correct the assumption, still a little dazed from Dan saying yes and the kiss. Instead, he gave Dan’s shoulder a small push before moving so he was sitting against the side of Dan’s bed. “So rude. A boy says he’ll do anything for you and he can’t let you win at a video game.”

Dan gave a laugh, his cheeks not fading in color, before leaning back against the bed next to Phil but with a new development. Dan sat shoulder to shoulder with Phil before he carefully leaned his head against Phil’s shoulder. It took a few awkward, painfully silent seconds for them to arrange the way they were sitting until Dan finally let out a content sigh. Curse his own bony shoulders, Phil thought idly as he caught a whiff of Dan’s shampoo and body spray. Or praise them because Dan hadn’t moved his head away except to get more comfortable.

But Phil was hung up on the fact they were...okay. They were okay; Phil asking didn’t ruin their friendship. Dan was still his best friend, it was just the start of something new too which made Phil nervous and excited because it was the kind of new that involved soft touches that Phil had been dreaming about for months. Phil wasn’t sure where they were heading from this point but Phil hoped that this meant he would be able to gather the courage Dan out properly at formal. Or maybe a little after. Definitely before Phil left for York, he finally decided on as he clicked his own remote a few times excitedly, unsure of how else to express his excitement and nervousness.

Dan picked up his controller, nervously pressing the A button repetitively. “Is...is this okay? It’s not...too much? I know it was only an invitation to formal, not an invitation to use you like a human body pillow.”

Phil thought on it quietly because it was another moment where words seem to escape him despite all his studies. But this time instead of a boulder sitting on his chest, it was a cat; something warm and manageable to take care of instead of a struggle. He turned and looked at Dan, finding the younger boy already looking up at him. He felt his breath catch for a second before he thought about it. Was Dan using him as a pillow too much since they haven’t gone on a date yet? Phil thought back to the past year where it was filled with the occasional gentle touches but also late nights talking and the in jokes and all they spent together before this moment. Maybe it was part of being a young adult but Phil sometimes thought that he had found his forever love in Dan in those moments at three am when they would whisper their fears and dreams over Skype. When he looked at Dan, he was convinced it was something that would last past sixth form, past uni, past getting married and the honeymoon phase, so-

“No, I don’t think it’s too much. Honestly, I don’t think it’s enough.”


End file.
